Monday, March 11, 2013

Late night thoughts and letting things out

So I am outside right now writing in my notebook (everything gets transferred to my blog from there cause there will be things on my mind while I am waiting for at an appt that I want to talk about so I just write it down in my notebook) cause I can't seem to sleep tonight, yet again. It's like almost 3am and I have all these thoughts going through my head.

I hate that we are living in a hotel and have been for almost 2 years now, all because a rental agency has been trying to screw us over and because our credit is so messed up right now. I brought my daughter into this world as we are living in a hotel and I feel like I have failed all of my children. I know that this is better than living in a shelter or out on the streets BUT they deserve so much more and a parent that can actually provide for them better than we can. When I found out that I was pregnant with Cheyanne I honestly thought about putting her up for adoption and having an open adoption, but I also knew that I couldn't do it. She is our miricle baby, but I also wanted a better life for her, just like I want a better life for my boys. But then I sit here and think that if I did do that how do I know that she really is being taken care of. A lot of people tell me that my kids are well taken care of, they have a roof over their heads, clothes on their back, food in their stomachs and 2 parents that love them and would do anything for them, but they deserve so much more. They deserve to have their own rooms and room to play around. Being here they don't have that and it literally kills me inside that I can't give them that. On top of that we have lost EVERYTHING that we own, their beds, toys (except the ones that we have in the hotel), clothes (except the ones that we have in the hotel), everything. When we do get a place (whenever that is) we have to buy everything all over again (couch, entertainment center, dressers, beds, bedding, ALL of it). People think that we aren't trying, that we should be able to save money, but it's hard to save money living paycheck to paycheck, pay over $1,000 a month to live in a hotel, plus other bills. I have gone into a depression because of all of this.

There are days when I think that my kids hate me because they think that I am failing them as a mom, I know that it's not true, but it is a thought that goes through my head at times.

I know that Neil feels like he is failing his family as well. Him and I have talked about this quite a lot after the kids go to bed. We will actually lay in bed and just hold each other and try to reassure each other that everything will be okay and we can make it through this. Life hasn't been that easy for us lately, but of course life isn't always easy for everyone.

On another note, I took Cheyanne to the dr's on Saturday and found out that she has an upper respiratory infection AND pink eye!! We have to put ointment in her eyes 4 times a day for 7 days. I feel so bad for her. Things from the very start (since her birth) have been rough. After I had her I got my tubes tied and got an infection called nacrotizing faciitis, I went into the ER on Christmas morning and ended up having emergency surgery because it was so bad that I almost lost my life (literally only a few more days and it would have been toxic and the only thing that they could have done was put me on pain meds, admitted me into the hospital and waited for me to pass away). For the first 2 weeks of her life I was in the hospital and in pain because of this. I had her on December 17th, I left the hospital on December 20th and went back in 5 days later on Christmas Day, and left the hospital for the last time on December 31st. At 2 weeks old she ended up getting thrush and that took a bit longer to clear up than normal. Now she has this. 

Matthew, Jackson and I have decided to continue on with homeschool next year as well. Matthew doesn't want to risk getting bullied in school again, even if he does start going to a new school and I can't blame him. It was really rough on him. The staff didn't do anything to help him out and they labeled him as the bully. With Jackson, he has such a hard time focusing on things and in a classroom of 25 students to 1 teacher, he wasn't getting the one on one time that he needed. At least with being homeschooled he is able to get that and I am able to help him understand things a lot better than the teachers can. Homeschooling kids in the hotel is not all that easy, heck I wish that we could get a room at this hotel called Extended Stay America, cause they have more stable internet, but on top of that, their rooms look more like a studio apartment. I would have an actual table and chairs for all the kids to sit down and do their school work at and there would be a lot more room in there for all of our stuff.

No comments:

Post a Comment